Chaos

Fear

2011-07-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Sometime I am afraid. I am even afraid to blog once in a while. I don't know why but for some reason I spent a lot of my life worried what people think of me. Worried people would not like me and it truly held me back from a lot of thing. I think that if I would have let go more that more people would have l liked me and I would have experienced a lot more in life. Do I regret the the past and not being more of an outspoken person....no. Even though I wonder what could have been I enjoy what is now. I enjoy who I am today. I feel I am a good hearted person with a good head on my shoulders making wise choices. And if I made different choices growing up I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

Now being afraid to blog...thats exactly why I started to blog. To not be afraid. To openly being able to express and share personal feelings with the world. So why must I fear it. Who cares about it? This is just another human lesson I must over come.

I remember once hearing that being shy was a mental disorder. That it was an anxiety that was not out of the human norm. Well then apparently I have a huge mental disorder because I was a super shy kid growing up and if it wasn't for the help of some liquid confidence (alcohol) then I would never get around to meeting new people. Unfortunately I think the Dr. who even said this is bull shit. I dont think a little white pill can help me gain confidence without some nasty unnatural side affect. I dont feel that any pill can help change mood or emotions. And I dont feel that we should try to alter our mood on a daily habit with drugs. Yes alcohol and other social drug to alter moods in some of the same aspects as prescription drugs but I dont think you should do it every day. It good to let out once in awhile but not every day.

Feeling these emotions are what makes us human. Its what makes us feel alive. There cannot be good without the bad. There cannot be beautiful without the ugly. We cannot live in a drug induced world only feeling happy. Thats unnatural. One day after forcing the medication to keep you happy for so long the pill will wear off. And you will hit a downward spiral because with every good emotion there has to be a bad. The balance of like. And forced to be happy for so long there gonna be a shit load of bad emotions coming your way and that why i believe that even on prescription medication people still commit suicide.

Drugs wont solve the problem. Its not the answer of the cure. The cure is each other. If you have a friend going through a hard time just talk to them. Let them vent because talking about negative emotions produces a positive feeling within yourself. Its weird but yes it does work. And if you are going through a hard time dont be afraid to grab ur friend and talk about it. Its ok. they understand. They have been there too.

Inspiration

2011-07-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

When people tell me they lost connection with spirituality or some might say god I am truly heart broken. Now when I write this I don't want to use the word god. I feel the word god has been trade marked by Christianity and that might push people away. I am talking about spirituality as a whole. Every religion, every person on this world. The TAO (together as one). So instead of the word god I will use the world universe.

Its funny how the universe works. It works in mysterious ways and I am beginning to love every minute of it. Last night I had so many plans. So many things to do. So many people to see. I think I even upset a few people for flaking on them. Last night I really had a chance to reconnect with old friends. Something I had not done in such a long time. Last night I planned on stopping by my buddies party, having a few drinks and moving on to the next. But after sitting with them, talking laughing, i realized that there was no where I would have rather been in the world then there with good people, good friends, good company. I wish I could spend every weekend with those guys but they will soon be back in San Diego and I would be lucky to see them when I can.

Now thats not anything out of the ordinary, strange or life changing. But it was what happened the morning after. After getting home normally I would just fall asleep with the TV on but last night was different. I didnt feel like falling asleep with normal television programming I turned on my PS3, put on Netflix and fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and realized whatever movie I put it on was over and half asleep I flipped to I dont even know what. I woke up around 8am and noticed the show was over. Not being able to fall back asleep I decided to jut restart the program and watch whatever was previously on.

Now I am gonna side track for a moment. Around six months ago I decided I needed a life change. I was overweight. I took charge, started eating right and exercised regularly. I lost over 40lbs. It was a big change. I felt good about myself and things were great. The greatest part of losing that weight was when people told me I inspired them to practice a more healthier life style. Well I never quite hit my weight loss goal and got side tracked from the hardcore dieting and workout phase I was in and was looking for a little inspiration.

Now back to the movie. The movie was called "Fat, sick and nearly dead". It started off with an over weight Australian man who was around 300 lbs with some weird skin disease that he was heavily medicated for. His plan was that he would fast on a liquid diet for 60 days. He consumed only an all natural fresh veggie/fruit juice that he fresh juiced with a juicer every day. The movie started off ok. The guy lost a lot of weight he stopped taking his medication. On his journey he ran into a tucker who was over 400lbs with the same skin condition as him. The Australian man offered the trucker help but the trucker refused and the movie went on. So what I thought was the end movie the trucker calls the Australian man asking for help. Wanting to change his life. He was tired of being overweight and decided its time to change.

This trucker was so depressed being overweight. If effected his life in such a negative way and his journey to his weight loss touched me in a very deep way. I related to this man so much. I grew up as the big guy and it wasnt fun. It was hard, depressing and not very fun at all. Its hard to explain how I felt in words and its hard to admit but at the end of the movie I admit I shed a tear. It's funny how I needed a little inspiration in my life and randomly this movie came on. The universe works in mysterious ways and I love it. I feel like someone up there is watching out for me and has their hand involved in my life, in a good way.

Today I started my diet and moving on to a healthier lifestyle. Im setting new goals and am ready for new challenges...wish me luck!

Feelings

2011-07-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Last time I tried to blog I sat down and tried to write about my emotions. In attempt to write about my feelings about breaking up with my ex girlfriend and how it changed my life I couldn't bring myself to write about it. She wasn't worth the time. She is not the reason my life is where it is today. In the last six months of my life I have interacted with more people, made more friends and had more memorial experiences than in the last four years.

I have grown so much in the last six months I cannot wait for what the next few years has in store for me. Sad to say I really feel I wasted the last four years of potential on my ex girlfriend. It wasn't a complete waste of time. It was a huge learning experience. Everyone will experience what I went through at one point of time. Falling in love (or thinking they have), spending every waking moment living trying to make someone else happy as they suck the life out of you. I thought I was in love. I though forever really lasted forever. Giving yourself completely to someone and waking up the next day with nothing is one of the hardest experiences in life to deal with. I will admit I saw the deepest and darkest corners of my mind. It was the ugliest scariest time of my life and it was the first time I ever experienced something like that. Passing through that stage in my life has made me a stronger person. I feel like nothing can hurt me. This time I will be bullet proof.

I feel like the greatest thing I can take away is something I have yet to experience. Something I do not understand yet. One day I will experience a new love. I know now what I want in a partner and how a relationship should work. I know now how to love. And one day I will find her and I will be the happiest man alive. I am not worried that this day will never some, I know it will. I just have to be patient. Thats the hardest part.

Day 1 Ideas

2011-07-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

Today I was inspired by a friend of mine to start a blog. A place where I can post about my day and about my life. Somewhere to vent and let out the stress' of everyday life. I want to express myself, my thoughts and ideas here.

I have lots of ideas and theory's about this so called life that I would love to put out there. Not for anyone in particular but a place where my ideas can lay out and become real. When my ideas sit in my head I feel like they become wasted and float out into the unknown universe lost and never seen by the world. Here they have a home. A place where they belong. Maybe one day someone will read them and be inspired. Maybe they will sit here and only be here for me to read... but I am okay with that. I am not here to force ideas or make you believe in something I believe in, but I am here to share my ideas with the world. Hopefully attract people with similar ideas. Hopefully make people think about things they would have never thought of before. Make people think outside the box and ask questions. When you ask question you begin to think and exercise the mind and exercising the mind will help gain greater wisdom and knowledge.

I dont believe I am the only one in the world thinking the way I do. I believe there are many of us out there with the same thought process if not everyone. We are all human. Constructed of the same types of atoms, molecules, DNA. We were all conceive the same way. Through similar process. Maybe it was done in a different style or manner but the journey was in the same direction with the same outcome desired. We are all living being with the same goal. Trying to find happiness on this journey called life.

We are all experiencing the same lessons in life. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not in the same manners but the same lessons. Some of us may experience lessons multiple time before we learn. Some of us experience these lesson later or earlier than other. This is what creates our individualism. We are opposites yet exactly the same. This is a hard concept to grasp but this a a huge concept I had to grasp to understand the very little I do of the universe. Visualize two magnets and the two opposite polarities. Even though they opposites they attract and when the attract they come together and become one. I'll explain more later.

Thats enough for today. I will post more soon.